So, I've started on my course of anti anxiety/depression pills (I'm doing them for the anxiety). I've only taken one, and I can already begin to feel minor effects.

I feel like I'm mildly tipsy... like I've had one drink and am enjoying it. I can understand why a lot of people can't stand this kind of mind set, however, I for one, love it.

See, the thing is, not only was my anxiety destroying my life, but I actually work better, have better aim and think clearer when tipsy, or have this same feeling. My knife accuracy is a lot better, I'm alert and I still have this buzzing feeling. I can concentrate on a book and my thoughts are not scattered all over the place. My only side effect so far is a mild dizziness if I get up too quickly (which I'm used to from previous medications).

So, I'm happy that these drugs are having a good effect on me so far. I made sure that I'm taking the lowest dosage of the safest drug possible, so I guess I didn't have much to worry about in the first place. I was anxious about taking the anxiety pills! The only side effects take place in the first week only, and are a little bit of nausea and dizziness (along with constipation, but I'll just eat some grapes). They did have some other side effects listed, but they only occurred if the person had a pre-existing condition related to it.

So yes, my first experience on these drugs. I've been putting it off until I was an adult because I know that these kinds of things can fuck you up when you take them as a kid. I may not need them after this first course of a month. I'm mainly using them to face my fears, and once I've done that, I don't think I'll need them anymore.

Wish me luck, and sorry about another "me" post :P

Happy Hallmark Day :D

Well, happy valentines day! Well, for me it was yesterday, but for all you Americans, I guess today's the day.

Yesterday I went out with my partner for a lovely Italian dinner with a bottle of bubbly, which was rather nice. We didn't buy cards or flowers or shit... because really, we were going to go out to dinner anyway.

I guess we don't really celebrate valentines day. I mean, there is really no point, specially for people like my and by boyfriend who live together. I guess its an excuse for a nice dinner, but really, they have taken the idea of valentines day too far. For some reasons, roses become more expensive than gold, chocolate seems to be horrible and only sold in little red boxes (with HEAPS of room for more chocolate than it actually holds), and all the restaurants are booked out! Wouldn't it be nice if people didn't need a reason or a date to be nice to their significant other?

My boyfriend and I do lovely things for each other all the time (I'm looking at buying him a Fender Stratecaster, white, at the moment), and it makes every day special, as opposed to saving up all those feelings for one day. All you have to do is put some thought into it.

For example, I LOVE getting presents, no matter what it is, as long as its wrapped, I love it. So, he went out to buy some groceries and household items (we had just moved into a new place), wrapped each item up in wrapping paper, and left it on the living room table for when I finished work. It was wonderfully lovely, and I spent a good hour opening presents and putting them away in the kitchen with glee. He also included a couple of things for me in there, but even if he hadn't, it was still an amazingly good idea.

Anyway, my point is that people shouldn't need a reason or a date to do something lovely for their significant other. I know valentines day is nice, but it has lost a lot of meaning. I even know girls who don't like it when their boyfriends do things on valentines day because the think that the boy will only do things for them on that day.

Sorry about the rant, but I kind of needed to say it. :)

Also, on a side "me" note, I had an allergic reaction to cashews on valentines night. It was pretty nasty, but I didn't die. Remember to keep safe around nuts.

Well, I have just about two more weeks until university starts back up. I guess it means lots of free stuff for Orientation week.

But it means I should really get my ass back into a good routine of cleanliness and organisation. Unfortunately, neither of those attributes are strong in my personality, making it hard for me to have any motivation to do ether.

So yes, this is a little rant about me, being cynical about myself.

I hate that I can't really find the motivation to just, clean. I have so much shit in my house I don't need, use or just gets in the way, but I never have the "time" to clean it up. I don't really want to keep it, I just don't mind it being there.

I see other peoples pristine houses with their nice carpets and neat clothing, and I'm nothing like that. I would much rather sit here, blogging about how much I hate the fact I don't clean, instead of cleaning.

Well, I guess this is some goddamn motivation for me then!

Well guys, I did it.

I went to the doctor and she put me on anti depressants to help me with my anxiety. The stuff is called Pristiq. I'm not allowed to drink too much on it, so this weekend will be my final weekend of full on drinking... by myself... in my room.

Apparently they have the least amount of side effects, and I asked for a low dosage... I'm not about to jump off a cliff... they're just there for my anxiety. I will hopefully manage to get in a lift this year! I'm feeling confident, but that may just be the wine. *ohgodilovewinesomuch*

Anyway, my bitching session will only be minor tonight, due to the fact I SHOULD be cleaning, but am instead drinking copious amounts of wine.

Today, while walking in the city to see my doctor, I was approached by two Mormon boys. I do know they hang around a lot in the city, and I do my best to avoid them, but this time they persisted. They kept coming after me, as though I was a special person to be fucking converted. So, I gave them the finger, told them to fuck off, and casually walked away as other people smiled and laughed at the Mormons.

Now, I hate making people feel bad, but Mormons are a distinct exception in my book. They not only offend my beliefs, but seem to like to fucking force their beliefs on me at every moment possible! I treat everyone with the respect they deserve and earn, and these guys, I would walk all fucking over in high heals. I dislike them even more than Islamic culture, and that's pretty fucking hard. (The CULTURE, not the religion. Go worship any God you want, I don't care).

Treat others how you would treat yourselves. Thats what Jesus's message was, and no one seems to fucking understand it! I would accept if someone treated me a little worse if I was rude to them, because I would do the same back. Everyone screws the message to fit their own agendas.

Peace, from a very drunk chick.

Pushy Mothers

So, in continuing from my last post, this post shall be about my recent encounters with overly pushy mothers.

I first began to notice the stress put on kids by their mothers when I was in my first couple of years of primary school. Most of my friends, only 6 or 7 years old, could never come over just to play, on the weekends or after school, because they had so many things on, from sports to debating. I was really confused as to why they did these things for quite a long time, considering most of them complained to me that they hated it.

Then, when I hit high school, my mother, who is not the pushy type at all (she let us choose what we wanted to do) told me about how one of her friends put her two kids into bands, sports teams, art classes and various other activities, simply to try... TRY and get them a fully paid scholarship into a local "prestigious" high school. It wouldn't have been much more expensive to just pay for them to get into the school... it's not like they were THAT exclusive. They take anyone who pays.

I then realized that, for some reason, mothers (and sometimes fathers, but not a lot of the time) seem to think that the better high school their child gets into, the better job prospects they have from university. Admittedly, the way the mark final test papers in Queensland is based on the scores of other people around you (if you do well and the rest of the class fails, you fail), therefore making a private school look more attractive. But this does not necessarily mean you will get a fantastic mark.

I was put through a private school, ended up with a pretty good final year result (enough to get put into teaching or psychology degree's), but I was rejected for all my courses! I had to wait half a year to be accepted into another course (Bachelor of Business). I'm now in my Bachelor of Human services and my marks from high school don't even matter any more. I'm making my own way, and the only extra activity I took at school was being on the student environmental council.

Actually, another thing that compounded the problem of stress in the students was that my school REQUIRED that every student take an after school activity, which I though was utter bull shit, specially for the grade 11's and 12's. The only activity that was worth it was being in any of the school bands, but that required... you know... musical talent.

Anyway, my main point is that there is already too much stress on high schoolers, from social pressures to school... don't add anymore. It's painful to watch.

*sigh*

I really don't feel like being social.

I was offered a position as a Guide leader. They really need one, or else they will have to shut down the Guide unit of the Hut. But I went to the meeting last night, and the only thing I could do was panic. I didn't want to talk to people... I hate people at the best of times. Now the expect me to be the Guide leader. I feel really bad turning this down, but I'm going to have too. I've got my other volunteering things to do, and university. Fuck this, I feel so bad...

I guess I'll just text them. The other leaders have a way of skewing their words so you have to help out anyway like "Oh, we can work AROUND that" or "Sure you can't just do a couple of hours a week?". NO, FUCK OFF.

Yes, I am the self serving type, but only because when I'm not, I have to deal with people who guilt you into shit. It's better just to not care at all when it comes to certain organisations.

As for the Big Brother Big Sister thing, I'm still going ahead with that. The interviewer was really nice to me and they said I didn't have to go in a lift to get to their office... that I could take the stairs. But no Guides... they just made me feel like shit. I'm not even going to call, I'm just going to text them to tell them. Half the girls didn't like it there because their mothers were just forcing them into something for "extra curricular" activity. Fuck that, I NEVER did extra curricular activity and still managed to get myself into a good university. The other mothers just thought of us as glorified baby sitters.

Anyway, that's what my next post will be about... stupid fucking mothers.

My fears

I've found that I have some very specific... strange fears, that stop me from doing every day things. I'm not sure if they are logical or not, but I shall list them, for your reading entertainment...

• Going on a train, just in case the train doors don't open
• Going in a train tunnel
• Going in ANY lift
• Going in an underground car tunnel
• Getting in a car
• Riding in the back of a bus
• Sleeping with no lights on
• Sleeping in a tent
• Sleeping without a blanket
• Going anywhere further than walking distance from my house
• Storms
• Being in a place with no phone signal

Most of things should be a part of my day to day life, but I will do ANYTHING to make sure that I never have to go through any of them. It affects my life a lot really, but I can live with it. My university is about half an hours walk away... I don't have any work yet and my family always come to visit me (they're an hours express train ride away). But I'm starting to see if affect even my relationship. I can't go out at night to the party district (not that thats my scene anyway), I can't go adventuring through mountains like I used to... Everything is based above my above fears. For some reason, I'm ok with going through underground Bus tunnels, as long as I'm at the front of the bus... I'm also ok with glass lifts.

Does anyone else have these kinds of fears? Is it just me?