Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I had my little sisters over for the weekend, and am still rather busy. However, I would like to make a quick update.

It's been 6 days since I began taking the anti anxiety pill, and I've noticed them working a little. I still can't get myself into a lift (I had a break down trying to get into one), but today, a massive storm came over, and I took it like a man. It was pretty bad (not as bad as some), and I wasn't once scared! This is essentially a first for me, so I'm guessing that these pills are having some effect on my panicking abilities. Also, almost all of the side effects have gone, although I still get rather dizzy.

Anyway, I have to go and sort some stuff out for uni. All the rooms in my house are nice and organised, except for my room, which currently is a complete mess, and has a fine layer of dust over all my study materials. I promise to make a longer post soon!

Well, my first full day on these anti anxiety pills was an interesting one. Obviously the full effects have not set in yet, however, I have kept that buzzed, tipsy feeling.

I had about 3 hours of solid sleep, then waking up at about 2am, due to about 2 thousand possums running on my roof. I couldn't get to sleep after then (if the same thing happens tonight, I will make a post about it), and ended up actually cleaning up the kitchen. I did manage to get to sleep at about 8am, but my boyfriend kept waking me up with cuddles. I don't think that the same thing will happen tonight, as I'm so buggered at the moment, and I think my body just needed to adjust to the drugs.

The nausea has not been bad really. It only really effects me if I spin in a circle, or rock back and forth (duh). So yes, so far so good. I'm impressed by the lack of bad side effects. I did, however, fall over in my front yard this morning due to dizziness :/

Just to let everyone know, I'm on these pills for anxiety, NOT depression. Exercise doesn't help as much as it does with depression (although, it's not bad for me :P). I'm going to push my self slowly to get over my fears, like I did today, when I spent a whole 15min in a basement level food court in the city. Most of the time, I wouldn't even be able to go down to a lower level than the ground in a mall... now I'm ok with it :D

Also, on a small side note, my wisdom teeth are coming through. Luckily, I don't think I'll have to get them out. I had some minor teething pains, but they were reminiscent of childhood pains, and it's stopped now. That saves me a few thousand dollars!

I promise next post (if it isn't a 2-3am post) won't be about my medical mishaps :P

So, I've started on my course of anti anxiety/depression pills (I'm doing them for the anxiety). I've only taken one, and I can already begin to feel minor effects.

I feel like I'm mildly tipsy... like I've had one drink and am enjoying it. I can understand why a lot of people can't stand this kind of mind set, however, I for one, love it.

See, the thing is, not only was my anxiety destroying my life, but I actually work better, have better aim and think clearer when tipsy, or have this same feeling. My knife accuracy is a lot better, I'm alert and I still have this buzzing feeling. I can concentrate on a book and my thoughts are not scattered all over the place. My only side effect so far is a mild dizziness if I get up too quickly (which I'm used to from previous medications).

So, I'm happy that these drugs are having a good effect on me so far. I made sure that I'm taking the lowest dosage of the safest drug possible, so I guess I didn't have much to worry about in the first place. I was anxious about taking the anxiety pills! The only side effects take place in the first week only, and are a little bit of nausea and dizziness (along with constipation, but I'll just eat some grapes). They did have some other side effects listed, but they only occurred if the person had a pre-existing condition related to it.

So yes, my first experience on these drugs. I've been putting it off until I was an adult because I know that these kinds of things can fuck you up when you take them as a kid. I may not need them after this first course of a month. I'm mainly using them to face my fears, and once I've done that, I don't think I'll need them anymore.

Wish me luck, and sorry about another "me" post :P

Happy Hallmark Day :D

Well, happy valentines day! Well, for me it was yesterday, but for all you Americans, I guess today's the day.

Yesterday I went out with my partner for a lovely Italian dinner with a bottle of bubbly, which was rather nice. We didn't buy cards or flowers or shit... because really, we were going to go out to dinner anyway.

I guess we don't really celebrate valentines day. I mean, there is really no point, specially for people like my and by boyfriend who live together. I guess its an excuse for a nice dinner, but really, they have taken the idea of valentines day too far. For some reasons, roses become more expensive than gold, chocolate seems to be horrible and only sold in little red boxes (with HEAPS of room for more chocolate than it actually holds), and all the restaurants are booked out! Wouldn't it be nice if people didn't need a reason or a date to be nice to their significant other?

My boyfriend and I do lovely things for each other all the time (I'm looking at buying him a Fender Stratecaster, white, at the moment), and it makes every day special, as opposed to saving up all those feelings for one day. All you have to do is put some thought into it.

For example, I LOVE getting presents, no matter what it is, as long as its wrapped, I love it. So, he went out to buy some groceries and household items (we had just moved into a new place), wrapped each item up in wrapping paper, and left it on the living room table for when I finished work. It was wonderfully lovely, and I spent a good hour opening presents and putting them away in the kitchen with glee. He also included a couple of things for me in there, but even if he hadn't, it was still an amazingly good idea.

Anyway, my point is that people shouldn't need a reason or a date to do something lovely for their significant other. I know valentines day is nice, but it has lost a lot of meaning. I even know girls who don't like it when their boyfriends do things on valentines day because the think that the boy will only do things for them on that day.

Sorry about the rant, but I kind of needed to say it. :)

Also, on a side "me" note, I had an allergic reaction to cashews on valentines night. It was pretty nasty, but I didn't die. Remember to keep safe around nuts.

Well, I have just about two more weeks until university starts back up. I guess it means lots of free stuff for Orientation week.

But it means I should really get my ass back into a good routine of cleanliness and organisation. Unfortunately, neither of those attributes are strong in my personality, making it hard for me to have any motivation to do ether.

So yes, this is a little rant about me, being cynical about myself.

I hate that I can't really find the motivation to just, clean. I have so much shit in my house I don't need, use or just gets in the way, but I never have the "time" to clean it up. I don't really want to keep it, I just don't mind it being there.

I see other peoples pristine houses with their nice carpets and neat clothing, and I'm nothing like that. I would much rather sit here, blogging about how much I hate the fact I don't clean, instead of cleaning.

Well, I guess this is some goddamn motivation for me then!

Well guys, I did it.

I went to the doctor and she put me on anti depressants to help me with my anxiety. The stuff is called Pristiq. I'm not allowed to drink too much on it, so this weekend will be my final weekend of full on drinking... by myself... in my room.

Apparently they have the least amount of side effects, and I asked for a low dosage... I'm not about to jump off a cliff... they're just there for my anxiety. I will hopefully manage to get in a lift this year! I'm feeling confident, but that may just be the wine. *ohgodilovewinesomuch*

Anyway, my bitching session will only be minor tonight, due to the fact I SHOULD be cleaning, but am instead drinking copious amounts of wine.

Today, while walking in the city to see my doctor, I was approached by two Mormon boys. I do know they hang around a lot in the city, and I do my best to avoid them, but this time they persisted. They kept coming after me, as though I was a special person to be fucking converted. So, I gave them the finger, told them to fuck off, and casually walked away as other people smiled and laughed at the Mormons.

Now, I hate making people feel bad, but Mormons are a distinct exception in my book. They not only offend my beliefs, but seem to like to fucking force their beliefs on me at every moment possible! I treat everyone with the respect they deserve and earn, and these guys, I would walk all fucking over in high heals. I dislike them even more than Islamic culture, and that's pretty fucking hard. (The CULTURE, not the religion. Go worship any God you want, I don't care).

Treat others how you would treat yourselves. Thats what Jesus's message was, and no one seems to fucking understand it! I would accept if someone treated me a little worse if I was rude to them, because I would do the same back. Everyone screws the message to fit their own agendas.

Peace, from a very drunk chick.

Pushy Mothers

So, in continuing from my last post, this post shall be about my recent encounters with overly pushy mothers.

I first began to notice the stress put on kids by their mothers when I was in my first couple of years of primary school. Most of my friends, only 6 or 7 years old, could never come over just to play, on the weekends or after school, because they had so many things on, from sports to debating. I was really confused as to why they did these things for quite a long time, considering most of them complained to me that they hated it.

Then, when I hit high school, my mother, who is not the pushy type at all (she let us choose what we wanted to do) told me about how one of her friends put her two kids into bands, sports teams, art classes and various other activities, simply to try... TRY and get them a fully paid scholarship into a local "prestigious" high school. It wouldn't have been much more expensive to just pay for them to get into the school... it's not like they were THAT exclusive. They take anyone who pays.

I then realized that, for some reason, mothers (and sometimes fathers, but not a lot of the time) seem to think that the better high school their child gets into, the better job prospects they have from university. Admittedly, the way the mark final test papers in Queensland is based on the scores of other people around you (if you do well and the rest of the class fails, you fail), therefore making a private school look more attractive. But this does not necessarily mean you will get a fantastic mark.

I was put through a private school, ended up with a pretty good final year result (enough to get put into teaching or psychology degree's), but I was rejected for all my courses! I had to wait half a year to be accepted into another course (Bachelor of Business). I'm now in my Bachelor of Human services and my marks from high school don't even matter any more. I'm making my own way, and the only extra activity I took at school was being on the student environmental council.

Actually, another thing that compounded the problem of stress in the students was that my school REQUIRED that every student take an after school activity, which I though was utter bull shit, specially for the grade 11's and 12's. The only activity that was worth it was being in any of the school bands, but that required... you know... musical talent.

Anyway, my main point is that there is already too much stress on high schoolers, from social pressures to school... don't add anymore. It's painful to watch.

*sigh*

I really don't feel like being social.

I was offered a position as a Guide leader. They really need one, or else they will have to shut down the Guide unit of the Hut. But I went to the meeting last night, and the only thing I could do was panic. I didn't want to talk to people... I hate people at the best of times. Now the expect me to be the Guide leader. I feel really bad turning this down, but I'm going to have too. I've got my other volunteering things to do, and university. Fuck this, I feel so bad...

I guess I'll just text them. The other leaders have a way of skewing their words so you have to help out anyway like "Oh, we can work AROUND that" or "Sure you can't just do a couple of hours a week?". NO, FUCK OFF.

Yes, I am the self serving type, but only because when I'm not, I have to deal with people who guilt you into shit. It's better just to not care at all when it comes to certain organisations.

As for the Big Brother Big Sister thing, I'm still going ahead with that. The interviewer was really nice to me and they said I didn't have to go in a lift to get to their office... that I could take the stairs. But no Guides... they just made me feel like shit. I'm not even going to call, I'm just going to text them to tell them. Half the girls didn't like it there because their mothers were just forcing them into something for "extra curricular" activity. Fuck that, I NEVER did extra curricular activity and still managed to get myself into a good university. The other mothers just thought of us as glorified baby sitters.

Anyway, that's what my next post will be about... stupid fucking mothers.

My fears

I've found that I have some very specific... strange fears, that stop me from doing every day things. I'm not sure if they are logical or not, but I shall list them, for your reading entertainment...

• Going on a train, just in case the train doors don't open
• Going in a train tunnel
• Going in ANY lift
• Going in an underground car tunnel
• Getting in a car
• Riding in the back of a bus
• Sleeping with no lights on
• Sleeping in a tent
• Sleeping without a blanket
• Going anywhere further than walking distance from my house
• Storms
• Being in a place with no phone signal

Most of things should be a part of my day to day life, but I will do ANYTHING to make sure that I never have to go through any of them. It affects my life a lot really, but I can live with it. My university is about half an hours walk away... I don't have any work yet and my family always come to visit me (they're an hours express train ride away). But I'm starting to see if affect even my relationship. I can't go out at night to the party district (not that thats my scene anyway), I can't go adventuring through mountains like I used to... Everything is based above my above fears. For some reason, I'm ok with going through underground Bus tunnels, as long as I'm at the front of the bus... I'm also ok with glass lifts.

Does anyone else have these kinds of fears? Is it just me?

Well, today I really don't have too much to gripe about.

The weather is fine, no one has personally offended me by saying something on the news, my back yard is super clean now...

So, not much to gripe about. I guess this will be a "me" post.

Tomorrow, I will be going in for my (hour fucking long) interview, to volunteer for the Big Brothers, Big Sisters group. I basically make friends with a disadvantaged kid they pair me up with. I'm also going to be volunteering for the Dressed for Success group, where women who are too poor to buy themselves a nice suit for a job interview, are given a couple of nice outfits, interview skills and some shoes. I'am also planning on volunteering to help tutor kids in English at a poor school. I managed to graduate English in grade 12 one of the top of my grade, so I figure I can help out.

So, I guess you think I'm a good person for helping out and volunteering. Well, I guess I am in some ways. But my main reason to start volunteering now, is because the completion of my degree requires me to clock 400 hours of volunteer work, helping out people. Also, it gives me some great references to actually get me a paid job. However, Big Brothers and Big Sisters is something I'm passionate about... thats about the kid I'll be friends with, not just the hours and super duper references.

Meh. Hopefully I'll be able to make friends. I love living with my boyfriend, but it's nice to have people over.

The myth of Equality.

(Just as a note, when I finally get my camera to work, I will take pictures of my throwing knife target and post them)

Equality is something we can all seemingly stand for. I mean, if we are all equal, we would have nothing to fight about hey?

But we are not equal, are we? I am a fairly poor person, meaning that I am often treated worse in stores and social gatherings, as opposed to richer people, who have status symbols such as a car and a nice house. And why are we treated differently? Because the other person has more money, in this case anyway. People don't even realize they're doing it.

But even then, just because I have breasts, I get free drinks at parties and am held the door open for. I, however, are not like most girls and will almost always return the favor.

Anyway, what I am pointing out is that equality is a stupid idea, that has no basis in the human Psyche or society what so ever. I treat someone who is rude to me differently to someone who asks politely... it's just how it's work. I know that you need to draw the line, such as giving everyone an equal CHANCE, but that is different to treating them equally as well.

People think that when someone treats someone differently, they can blame it on race or sex. But they can't. You have to blame it on the structure and teaching of society from a young age, to expect that certain people have certain jobs and certain ways of life. They may have had bad experiences in the past with a person of that race or sex, OR... OR, this is a good option, the person who is being treated differently... IS DOING A BAD JOB.

OH MY GOODNESS. HAS NO ONE THOUGHT OF THAT??? *rage*

Sorry about that, but I'm sick of hearing about how a woman/man in a workplace is fired, she/he claims gender bias and it turns out that she was doing a shit job anyway.

Anyway, my main point is that equality is pointless in this society. People will ALWAYS have their own opinions about people who are a certain sex, race, or hold a certain religious or political view point. We need to recognize this to make sure we can, finally, look at each other and not see anyone as a particular race or sex, but as simply another human being.

Well hi,

I've found my posts to be rather... impersonal. I mean, they contain my opinion and such, but not really anything about me. I don't know... I just feel like talking about a couple things that I do, rather than just go on cynical rants. But meh. It's not Facebook here. I shall write about myself sporadically, and try not to bore anyone.

So, this is my first "me" post.

Well, I live in this great, big, windy, flooded, wet, ablaze country called Australia. I love it here, specially in Queensland. We're the kind of people who don't complain it's hot until it's about 45 degrees Celsius (113 F) and start complaining when it gets to about 20 degrees Celsius (68 F). I've lived through drought and flood, cyclones and bush fires. I guess its just a part of life here.

I live with my boyfriend in a lovely 2 room unit, full of asbestos and dust. But the back yard is lovely and large and it's better than not being in Brisbane. I am in University at the moment, doing a Bachelor of Human Services (I was doing a Bachelor of Business, but I figured this would produce more jobs, considering the amount of social workers they need at the moment) and volunteer here and there.

I am learning to throw knives (proper ones, not kitchen), partaking in Pen Paling, collecting stamps, reading books, drinking and smoking and enjoying life in general. I have a soft modded Wii, because I'm too poor to buy games...

And I just realized how boring this is to read. Well, enjoy!

Well, that was an a astoundingly good movie. With most movies these days, about half way through I begin to want it to end. Not this time. It kept me griped right the way through. Even though some of the dialogue was lengthy, it was necessary to keep up the pioneer character. Not only was the acting top notch, but the plot was progressive and made sense (well, most of it. Some was a little hazy). True Grit is something I definitely recommend seeing.

So, moving on from praise, I move to my usual cynical attitude towards cinematic releases.

For some reason, a channel in my country, which I can only compare to Fox News in its accuracy and bias, seems to love picking up on movies (or receiving money from the marketing agents) that are CRAP. They will give them good reviews, call them family friendly and also disembowel movies that are not "agreeable". For example, on a current affairs show, they ran an expose` detailing how horridly gory and scary the recent Harry Potter movie was, and warned families from going to see it, saying how the director had gone off track and lost his child audience. However, when Yogi Bear came out they, even with no monetary back up, recommended it, called it hilarious and great for all ages. I would seriously consider severely hurting myself over seeing that movie. Another example is their promotion of Gulivers Travels, which was not a BAD movie, just very hyped up.

I've found that good movies, even children's movies, are often ignored simply because they spent too much money on a well written script and not enough on promotion. I LOVE seeing movies that have ambiguous trailers (not doomsday ones, they're just stupid). I can't predict the plot, I go in with no expectations, and that makes the whole experience that much better. I love how they're not given a million plot summaries and splattered all over the internet. Even after reading a review for Black Swan, I still can't see the resolution from it (or choose to ignore it), and I can't wait to see it!

People need to realize that just because something is the biggest and brightest, doesn't make it the best.

Well hi guys.

I've decided to update this blogie thing more often. Today's post is me telling you that I'm too busy getting ready to see True Grit to write anything decent at the moment. Check back tonight for more bitch... I think this time I may talk about Cinema and how good movies often don't get the attention and praise they deserve.

I'm back!

I guess I'm back, rambling on about useless things as usual.

This time, I'm here to complain about the media, and most notably, the coverage of the recent natural catastrophes that have happened in my state, in which no area was spared.

Now, I get bat shit scared at even the hint that there may be a storm around, even if it only lasts about 15min (which here in storm season, they usually do). I freaked the fuck out when I heard about the flooding which inundated the lower half of my street. So, as a test, when I first saw cyclone Yasi forming out in the Pacific ocean, I decided that I would not watch or read any news item about the cyclone until it had crossed the shore (it's still a cyclone now I think).

So, I did. For 4 pain staking days I did not click on my favorite site, Google news. And you know what? I read the news this evening for the first time. It was a hell of a storm. One of the biggest in our history, considering it's gone further inland than any other has. But no one died. I was not affected. I had no reason to panic. I heard people in the local super markets telling their fellow paranoid friends about how they were doing the usual cyclone things like taping their windows and such, simply because it was not EXPECTED that it would hit Brisbane. It was as though that one degree of fear pushed by the media was enough to tip the reasonably minded people of Brisbane, who had just been through a historic flood, over the edge into panic.

Another thing I noticed, browsing the local news sources for the flood of news about Cyclone Yasi, was the same sources and the same information being repeated over and over again, not just by different news outlets, but in each of the separate stories in each different news outlet. Constantly telling me to keep tuned for more information, recycling the old stuff to make it seem new... It was maddening.

But enough of that. I am glad they are getting some media coverage, because without it, we would not care enough to help. I guess that if we cause enough panic and grief, everyone will fork out great sums of money to read a news paper that tells them where to donate.